city girl

“You are a city girl” my husband said… and yes, indeed I am. For the longest I have been fighting this rage that comes after listening to statements like this one about me. As if the connotation is negative or derogatory. As if being a city girl most be a negative thing, and I should defend myself….

I remember that one seminar I attended about semiology of the quotidian life, I always try my best to not fall into those patterns, but it is very hard to unlearn what your reactions are stored in that subconscious, and what that will do.

I try to remember how it felt to walk in that white blanket of snow, soft, fluffy, powdery. I close my eyes and I think of that feeling of no expectations, no preconceived ideas, and no knowledge. I then move my memories to the clay, those first lessons, and my hands feeling the cold moist piece of clay ready to be form into something. This experiences that were brand new, and there was no previous knowledge, therefore we had no way to know what to expect.

I really know that is in ourselves to really change, change the reaction, change the outcome, and stop. Stop the rage, the anger, the mechanism that we have developed to protect ourselves. Mechanisms we have as a learned reaction to defend ourselves, to continue to be heard the way we think it will help other to understand us.

I friend of mine just lost a very important figure in her life. She had cancer, and she put a hell of a fight! People who go through this experiences often are an inspiration, they suddenly realize that every second counts.

I think we do not need to be ill, or have a near death experience to learn, yet it is so true that we have to live to learn from it. Time and time again we do fall into similar patterns over and over again.

I want to believe that I will know when to stop that rage, I will know when to stop giving to words so much weight. I need to learn to know myself better and stop the explosions before they happen. I need to know that most of the times we can't make others not blame us for their own decisions. I need to understand that not everyone will be able to understand me, or that I will not be able to understand others at all times. I need to learn to be gracious of the moments we get to spend together, even when they may be full of silly arguments.

I know some people have to live terrible experiences and/or die in order to appreciate that life is full of opportunities to make ourselves better people, and to learn to be happy. But I also know that we do not have to wait for this terrible things to happen to us, to search inside our hearts and know we have plenty to give, and plenty reasons to be happy just the way we are.

So I say yes… I am a city girl, and that is just fine, no need to defend the fact that I love cities, and that it makes me happy to say that I truly enjoy cities. What else could I say? I was raised in Mexico city one of the largest cities in the world, and what a beautiful city that is!