amor o voulntad

Yo me pregunto como seria si no tuviéramos que vivir el terrible encanto del amor. Porque se descompone con la edad? porque dejamos de querer buscar participar en actividades que nos alimenten a las dos partes? porque la vida de rutina destruye el deseo de complacer, de ceder, de querer escuchar.
Leía un libro de Milan Kundera, leía y pensaba que complicados somos, y como nos vamos metiendo en estos sacos de fuerza que nosotros mismo creamos, porque no hemos sabido escapar de nosotros mismos.
Me acorde de aquellos días primeros en que el amor es dolor, el silencio un asesino, la distancia es sumamente insoportable y uno cree que la muerte no puede estar tan lejos porque el aire se nos acaba. Y no dejas de preguntarte que que demonios hacemos no estando juntos, cerca, unidos. Entonces quisiéramos que hubiera ese cordón casi umbilical que nos uniera a esa otra persona para poder respirar siempre su mismo aire, reír con sus risas, desear las mismas cosas, dormir juntos, tener hambre al mismo tiempo.
Pero resulta que en realidad nada de esto pasa, resulta que con el tiempo comenzamos a enfadarnos por las mínimas diferencias, y todo aquello que no esta dentro de esa armonía que quisiéramos existiera de pronto se convierte en un enorme monstruo y huimos, huimos a nuestras esquinas. Comenzamos a poner condiciones, y hablamos de reciprocidad con la medida siempre empinada hacia nuestro lado, porque somos incapaces de sentarnos en el sillón del que antes fuera todo nuestro mundo.
Entonces ese cordón se estira porque cada uno jala para su lado y es a veces tan tenso el asunto que el cordón ahorca.
Sera que el amor dura solo mientras nos pone ciegos y el resto es pura voluntad? o sera que es precisamente el amor lo que nos da la voluntad para seguir intentando permanecer juntos a pesar de no tener la paciencia, el deseo ciego o la locura de los primeros momentos del amor.

city girl

“You are a city girl” my husband said… and yes, indeed I am. For the longest I have been fighting this rage that comes after listening to statements like this one about me. As if the connotation is negative or derogatory. As if being a city girl most be a negative thing, and I should defend myself….

I remember that one seminar I attended about semiology of the quotidian life, I always try my best to not fall into those patterns, but it is very hard to unlearn what your reactions are stored in that subconscious, and what that will do.

I try to remember how it felt to walk in that white blanket of snow, soft, fluffy, powdery. I close my eyes and I think of that feeling of no expectations, no preconceived ideas, and no knowledge. I then move my memories to the clay, those first lessons, and my hands feeling the cold moist piece of clay ready to be form into something. This experiences that were brand new, and there was no previous knowledge, therefore we had no way to know what to expect.

I really know that is in ourselves to really change, change the reaction, change the outcome, and stop. Stop the rage, the anger, the mechanism that we have developed to protect ourselves. Mechanisms we have as a learned reaction to defend ourselves, to continue to be heard the way we think it will help other to understand us.

I friend of mine just lost a very important figure in her life. She had cancer, and she put a hell of a fight! People who go through this experiences often are an inspiration, they suddenly realize that every second counts.

I think we do not need to be ill, or have a near death experience to learn, yet it is so true that we have to live to learn from it. Time and time again we do fall into similar patterns over and over again.

I want to believe that I will know when to stop that rage, I will know when to stop giving to words so much weight. I need to learn to know myself better and stop the explosions before they happen. I need to know that most of the times we can't make others not blame us for their own decisions. I need to understand that not everyone will be able to understand me, or that I will not be able to understand others at all times. I need to learn to be gracious of the moments we get to spend together, even when they may be full of silly arguments.

I know some people have to live terrible experiences and/or die in order to appreciate that life is full of opportunities to make ourselves better people, and to learn to be happy. But I also know that we do not have to wait for this terrible things to happen to us, to search inside our hearts and know we have plenty to give, and plenty reasons to be happy just the way we are.

So I say yes… I am a city girl, and that is just fine, no need to defend the fact that I love cities, and that it makes me happy to say that I truly enjoy cities. What else could I say? I was raised in Mexico city one of the largest cities in the world, and what a beautiful city that is!

Nieve

Desde la ventana la veía caer, flotaba, vestía el aire de blanco. Si nunca viste nevar, parece una hermosa escena, donde los copos van blanqueando el paisaje. Camino en ese tapete suave, y escucho el crujir de todas esas pequeñas estrellitas, porque la nieve cae en forma de millones de estrellas de distintas formas, con muchas aristas, siempre distintas, siempre ligeras.

Puedes ver tu huellas y sentir tu pie hundirse en esa alfombra que se extiende frente a ti, y puedes sentir la nieve que cae sobre tu pelo, tu hombros, tu mangas, y todo pliegue que sea capaz de sostenerlas.

En ese silencio de ecos que es difícil de explicar te veo, veo tus ojos que me miran, veo tus ojos que me atraviesan y miran más allá de mí.

La nieve es una promesa.