stumble

Sometimes we trip, we think of something, we stumble on that one picture, and all of the sudden we cant stop the fall. It has been 4 months and once in a while there is something that makes it real again, and I can’t stop my falling, my stubborn heart just won’t help me sometimes. It is a bit like the rage I had for the longest time when I learned that there was no way back, no hope, no exit. If the illness of my mother would have not somehow let her escape for little pieces of time her absolute loneliness, I would have not find that there was some sort of a reason for it… though I know very well that this is just one of those things we do to rationalize the situation to be able to keep on going with less pain… perhaps?

I stumble this morning with your picture mom and I cannot stop crying… I know it will be like this for many years to come, if I get to live that much more. 

I am at peace with your departure, I am convinced that you were ready and you were ok with your life. You were the strongest person I ever met, and I can only say that meeting death has been one of the hardest lessons you have taught me. I love you and I miss you just as much.