El beso

El beso

Como la noche había inundado el día, ambos se despidieron

Ella cerró sus cuadernos y sus libros,

El la miro en silencio con esos ojos dulces

Que a veces parecieran acariciar las tristezas

No dijeron nada

El silencio de la noche persiguió sus pasos

Hacia esa enorme puerta de madera

La valla de cantera parecía protegerlos

Él se detuvo y la miro sin prisa

Ella tuvo que esconderse de esa mirada tierna

Y busco algo en suelo, como queriendo huir

Pero los corazones eran más fuertes que la noche

Las miradas tuvieron que encontrarse

Y él se acercó y le dio un dulce beso

Ese tierno beso que ella recordaría para siempre

Aun cuando nunca se hubieran vuelto a dar más nada

happyness only real...

Alone, what a concept....being alone for the first time in a long time, I realize this could not be compared to a real "alone" since my being alone is only temporary. And no, I do not think we were meant to be alone, we are social animals and need the company, that sound of others, their voices, and their feet walking around us, their laughter, and even their silence. I believe that we need to learn to find happiness in our own skin, but we do not need to be alone to do that.

The first time I was alone I was 24 years old, I had convinced myself that I needed to follow my so called ‘love of my life’. So I got a passport, went to apply for a visa and bought a one way ticket to the first world.

I will always remember this because the moment I stepped in that plane I felt it as a complete shower of nothing. There was nobody next to me that I could hold on, no sound seemed familiar, and nobody around me look slightly similar to me. I was completely alone in a plane full of people from a different culture.

It is funny to remember this sensation of being wrapped in a sphere were no one can really reach you, neither can you reach others. Trapped in my own thoughts of fear, excitement, regret, confusion. So many emotions running through your mind and heart, and nobody to share them with, no one to talk to, no hand to hold on to.

One think that this temporary situations make you stronger, overcoming that fear, and you make it to the other side in one piece, or most times you do.

Time after my life became full of company, yet I often felt this same sensation, this invisible sphere that envelopes you and isolates you from the rest of the world.

I always wonder why is that, we are never taught to be content by being alone, why is that people insist on relying on others to feel complete, when we are already complete.   

Perhaps the answer is in that statement by Chris McCandless and happiness only real when shared.

baby steps

Baby steps

I hear the sound of my feet hitting the ground as I run, because I am finally running again. It is funny how easy one can feel again the desire to just keep going farther than we are supposed to, and how hard is to just stop. Stop when you still have energy and desire to keep on going. I think that is the hardest thing about this baby steps. I run and I talk again in my head and solve all the problems even when I do not. But it feels like I did and gives me the pleasure to say I am also making baby steps in that direction.

Baby steps to find the way to establish the bridge, that long long hanging bridge that keeps us in touch, connected, in communication.

I can no longer remember what it was to run 6 miles in a little less than an hour, those days the pain to just keep running was were the baby steps were. I still remember how disappointed I felt after 6 months had passed since they fixed my ACL and nothing was feeling right.

 I have been giving myself all kinds of excuses, and I overdid it all the time, because I really was not able to keep this concept of the baby steps, I was impatient and let’s just say a little blind about the end result. Like everything else in life, we make this choices and we become many times blinded by what we think we want to accomplish, what we want, and in the process we forget to stop when is needed, we forget to make pauses, to slow down, to take a breather, to just wait.

Baby steps, I keep telling myself as I walk at the end of my fourth lap as I think of how to help my children, how to keep them safe even when they will be gone, and I will no longer have the peace of mind knowing they are asleep in their rooms near me.

Baby steps to accept that life will give you all kinds of opportunities and you will have to figure out when and what, mistakes and all.

It is all about knowing when to keep going, and when to stop, even when you felt you could have continue, because you will always need to save the strength to be able to walk back the other half.

another song about gravity

Waking up early again, and I wonder, is this the condition of the old? Or is this just a new pattern? How strange is to adjust to my own body, changes happen and I discover things that I never thought would be part of my life. Because even when we see the process in others, it never seems something that may happen to you.

So I wake up early, I walk down the stairs and look for something to do that may be productive. Many times this attempts take me to just wonder the web, and I get lost in a world of images and strange news.

Comments and stories that many times seem just not real.

I get up again and try my best to walk without making any sounds, floating slowly from room to room. This house is finally mine, it has great memories to attach to it. 

I see my hands, my older looking hands, I look at my feet, my very similar feet to those of my mother. I know I have chosen finally my path. 

I stumble into this song about gravity...have you ever hear this song, I wonder, would you like it just like I do?. And I know you have not, but yet I don’t really know you. Nobody really knows anybody, or at least that is what my daughter once told me. And maybe she is right.

I don’t want to wake up anybody. Both of my girls are back at home. That is a feeling that I cannot really explain. I am so full of relieve to know they are safely sleeping at their beds.

Children simply grow up too fast and I do not know why is that I need to hold on to them, why do I want them to be near me? Why can’t I just be happy they both have grown and want to go far away?

It is the way is supposed to be, the law of life. You stay at the nest till your wings won’t stop flapping to make you reach high and be set free.

I decide to lay in the couch at the living room, and since it is night time, I close my eyes hoping for the sleepiness to come get me. But the insomnia that afflicts me won’t let the brain stop thinking, doing twirling spins about everything. The song comes back….

Gravity

Song by Sara Bareilles

Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone.

You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your reign.

Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.

You loved me 'cause I'm fragile.
When I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone.

Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're…

….

Why is that songs sad like this one always seem to trap me? I once was told that I pretended sadness. May be that is just the condition of the women, or may be is just that we really never know how to be happy with what we have.

I do not want other life but this one that I chose, I am happy to have my girls here, near me, even if it is just for a little while, and I definitely do not want to be set free, because without the pain, the sorrow, the love, we are nothing.

Slowly my eyes actually close and I stop thinking, or maybe I stop fighting the thoughts, I just become part of that in dreams that I may not recall next day.